You know you look

Anyone else a reality tv junkie? Come on now, don’t leave me hanging out here by myself. It’s like a train wreck; you can’t help but look! My fiance, like many men, hates them, but I seem to be drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

Well, I’ve decided that there should be one following divorce stories. They should be re-enactments of course with the names of those actually involved changed for privacy reasons. But I’m saying, if we can have a show about being “16 & Pregnant” in an effort to reduce the rates of teen pregnancy, how about a show displaying in true to life form the devastation of divorce, especially one involving children, in an effort to reduce the ridiculously high divorce rate? And if you think I’m being overly dramatic, find someone who’s beeen through the gut-wrenching process and ask them for a detailed account.

All in all, my story’s not one of the worst. My ex and I for the most part have found good territory from which to negotiate the future, but neither one of us would ever lie and say it’s been easy and for sure, divorce is not something we recommend to those we know. Nor would we ever say that the day after the ink was dry on our divorce decree, we simply woke up and never had any further problems with conflicting emotions, or fear of the unknown, or new parental battles. In fact, we prove the stastical research showing that, on average, a divorcee can expect to struggle with the aftershocks for at least another two years.

I am frequently surprised at what I’ve found those struggles to be. They’re things I never would’ve expected.

I had a dream last Sunday night that grabbed my attention and explained for me some of the feelings I’d been having lately. 

Sidebar

***Let me just say that I’m a big proponent of dream therapy and analysis. There is overwhelming discussion in psychology about the unconscious mind and research seems to indicate that it can be quite helpful to analyze and try and interpret dreams in an effort to understand the relationship of the mind digesting at night what the emotions deal with during the day. I believe that every dream, whether pleasant or terrifying, is a helpful tool. It is the body’s way of getting your attention and drawing your focus to a possible need. Either that or you ate too much spicy food the previous night. Ponder this: There is a tribe known as the the Senoi in the jungle highlands of Malaysia that start their routine every day by re-telling their dreams to each other. What makes them especially note worthy is that they are believed to be among the healthiest and happiest people in the world, with reportedly no mental illness or violence ever in the history of their people! (http://www.dreamresearch.net/Library/senoi.html) So, I’m saying, if you’re able to remember your dreams the next morning, try and see if you can figure out if there’s any reason for them.***

My dream

Both my daughters were behaving in a disobediant and incredibly disrespectful manner. Although, not a huge fan of spanking, I had to come to the end of my rope, and having tried every other possible manner of discipline, had decided I had no other choice. I proceeded to spank both girls, to which their response was to laugh and look at me mockingly. I was horrified. Somehow, later on, I found myself in a bathroom stall with really odd shaped fixtures and there was waste and refuse all over the floors. “Disgusting!” I thought, but since I really had to go, I proceeded to use the facilities. Suddenly, the door to my stall flew open and there were two men dressed in typical retail salesmen’s uniforms snapping pics of me! I was furious and appalled and quite embarrassed! Just as I was telling them off I awoke.

My thoughts on this:

Before my divorce, I felt like June Cleaver or a really cute Betty Crocker, haha! My home was my domain, my kingdom, and I thrived in it. I loved cooking and decorating, baking and entertaining. I cherished being a stay-at-home mom and felt more than competent for the most part in that role. Since my divorce much has changed, of course. I am now a single parent and a full time student. My daughters have had some adjustment issues, understandably, and we’re all still acclimating to our new routines. I believe I had this dream because I’ve been feeling less than fully in control of everything lately, especially as a mom. I’m not nearly as confident as I used to be in achieving all that I have to every day and making sure my daughters are 100% secure in who they are in this new system. I think the bathroom scenario may represent my fear of exposure. Like everyone else, I want to be percieved as having it all together, LOL. The waste and refuse are the things about myself that I don’t like and wouldn’t want others to see. And here I am exposing myself. “Confession is good for the soul”, right?

The moral of this story

Whoever said, “You can have it all.” left out one really crucial component: SOMETHING ALWAYS HAS TO GIVE. It may be sleep, alone time, quality time with family, a perfect GPA, or regular workouts, but you better believe sister, something will fall by the way side! I’ve determined that it cannot be my quiet time with God. Why? It’s my lifeline through the rest of my day! It’s like my IV of a supernatural combo of caffeine and Prozac providing me energy and peace to take on all my life require of me at the moment. It may not always be the perfect hour spent in Bible reading and prayer, but I have purposed to wake each morning greeting my Savior with this statement: “Lord, I’m not going through today by myself! You better come with me!”

And when you forget (that you’re not alone) – and you will, and when you mess up – and you will, remember this really important rule: there’s to be no beating yourself up! Every moment is another chance. God just keeps sending them. That’s grace! ~ The Word for You Today, July 1st, 2009

 Have you hooked up your IV today?

Love & Blessings,

Tams